Today, Everything Changed

Last night, I had a dream that all my teeth got knocked out and I had to get new ones. Today, I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I'm not sure if there's any correlation there. 

I wish I had something more moving to say than that, but I am still trying to process things. All I can say now is that I feel both relief knowing that my pain has been validated (and that I have not been crazy for the past few years), and that I am also sad that I have to live with this the rest of my life. It will be a constant battle of pain and symptom management, but I am okay with that so long as I feel even 10% better. Likewise, I am glad to have the people around me that I do. 

Also, because of the increase in my pain, my depression has also been getting worse, and I know I have 100% taken out these emotions on the people closest to me. Whether those people read this or not, I want to say I am sorry. They didn't deserve that. 

Many people have asked me "What now?" Well, your guess is as good as mine. Of course, there will be medication, and I do have a plan of action for treatment. But even still, it's trial and error until we get it right. 

All that matters is that we keep trying.

{20 Before 20} Revisited

Two years ago, in April, I wrote this list, right before my 19th birthday. I'm 22 now, and life is much different. My goals have changed. But, today, I'm coming back see how many of these goals I actually completed.

I Started This Journey Ages Ago

It's graduation time again. And I'm sad about it, again.

All my friends are graduating, and I should've graduated last year.

But! December 2016, I graduate with my Associates. (I have to take six classes in order to graduate and I kind of hate myself for it.)

I honestly never thought the day would come, and it still feels awfully far away. It will be here before I know it, though. And then in the spring of 2017, I start at my four-year institution.

Not much has changed in these parts. Made some new friends, lost some friends. Some losses made me sad, and some losses made me say "thank fucking goodness."

I still struggle with writing daily, but I am done making excuses for not writing here. When I write, I write. And if I don't, so be it.

I'm still around, though.

This is fluff at best, barely worth reading, but if you read it—thank you. I missed you.

sometimes life throws you a curveball (or seven)

Disclaimer: I've been trying to write this blog post for something close to a year now. Last time I looked at it, it was maybe... March? So, I'm just going to pick up where I left off I guess.

I have a habit of being really excited about writing for this little blog of mine and then falling right out of the bloggosphere. To be fair, this time, I have a valid medical reason to not be writing. (On the same token, all I did was lay on a couch for two weeks straight, so I probably could have mustered something up in between sleeping ;) but oh well!) So let's get down to the nitty gritty. 

First things first (I'm the realest), the medical reason. I can't remember if I've ever talked about this on here, but well over a year ago in March of 2013, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst possible pain I've ever felt in my back. As soon as I could, I went to the doctor and asked her specifically (at the recommendation of B's mom, who is a nurse) if the pain I felt had to do with my gallbladder while describing the pain I felt and where I felt it. Doc said "nothing to worry about, probably a pinched nerve," and I put it out of my mind because it didn't happen again for a long time. Then, surprise!, it started happening again, albeit sporadically. For pretty much the whole month of October, there were at least one day every week where this happened, if not more, finally culminating in the "OH MY GOD MY INSIDES ARE LAVA" feeling the propelled me out of sleep at 4am screaming on the 19th. I barely made it through and made it to work but I was one wrong movement way from either being in excruciating pain or barfing. Luckily, the managers took pity on me and let me go home. I fell asleep in my car in the driveway seconds after getting home because I was so exhausted. The next day, I called out of work and had B take me to an urgent care.

My Life Is Complete Now

We take a break from our recent spur of serious/somber/mushy posts to bring you this urgent news bulletin:

I met a corgi today. 

Repeat:

I MET A CORGI TODAY

Look at this adorable face and tell me that it isn't the cutest dog in the world (besides Nibbler, of course)

I mean come on

I'm dying of cuteoverload here

 

That is all. ;)

"Let Me Tell You About My Best Friend..."

April 2010

You've got troubles and I've got 'em too

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you

We stick together and see it through

Robin Williams.

I very much needed this video last semester. I still need it now. I needed it eight years when depression took hold of me the first time. 

As a person who suffers terribly from depression and anxiety, some days it just isn't in the cards to get out of bed. To shower. To eat. To go outside, or even talk to anyone. 

I've lost friends and have had friends get angry at me because they think that I'm being lazy because I just don't have the willpower to get out of bed to see them. 

I had a previous boyfriend blow up on me as being "clingy, childish, and attention-grabbing" because he stopped talking to me on vacation and the last text I sent him, I told him I was scared, tired, and that I wanted to end my life because I just didn't have the will to go through what I was going through anymore. (Thanks to an online friend named Maeve that I'm still here right now. She took the time to talk to me and get me in a good space in my head.)

But I came out of that. I'm fortunate enough to be here right now. But I have several friends who are not here right now. I miss them every day.

And, of course, there will be times where I'll go for months and be fine. Then, suddenly, one day, I won't be fine again. No one did anything to make me upset. Just something in my head clicks out of place and nothing is right anymore.

Yet, in these episodes, it's possible to have "good days." 

These are precious gemstones in a bucket of mud, and your loved ones start to realize that after a while, and try to make the most out of those days. Good days are tricky, though. You'll have a few in a row and you'll think "Oh wow, everything is awesome again!" only to find yourself curled in a ball under every blanket you own a few days later.

Depression isn't picky. Depression will take anyone. It causes your whole body to ache, you lose your appetite, you feel like you're drowning, but without the water. 

Even when there's "nothing to be depressed about," you can still be depressed. 

Like Robin Williams, who was the funniest man alive, had everything he could ever want, had no apparent reason to be sad. He, too, was sad.

Please, if you or a loved one is depressed, reach out, no matter how hard it is. No matter what you think, someone will miss you. 

I will miss you.

O Captain, my captain...

Post by Today Show.

To Have and to Hold: From Miss to Mrs.

This past weekend, I had the pleasure to attend my wonderful friend Coleen's bridal shower at the Robin's Nest Restaurant in Mount Holly, NJ. The whole thing was a surprise and turned out wonderfully! Doesn't she look gorgeous?! Also, peep those bridal Minnie ears!

More under the cut.

Wanted: A Cure for Writer's Block and Ebola (Not Related)

Seeking a doctor to provide cure for writer's block. Minimal pay, may receive earnings from my first book, if ever published. Also, searching for a doctor who can cure Ebola, as am now afraid to leave my house ever again due to recent outbreak.

Inquire within.

Okay, so I'm not totally serious. (I kind of am.) I'm in the midst of writing a novel, and I've hit a writing roadblock. I had enough steam to write about 3.5 pages, which is great, but then out of nowhere...it's gone. And while it doesn't sound like much, anyone who knows me knows that is a lot of writing. I just want to accomplish something for once, and get it out into the world! Does anyone have any tips or tricks for writers block?

Also, the recent serious outbreak of Ebola has me extremely wigged out. I'm lucky now that I don't work on the front lines of the store right now, so I'm not in contact with thousands of customers a day. But it's still terrifying. I don't even want to leave my house or go out to eat anymore. (I say this after eating out at Longhorn last night and Panera this afternoon....)

Any thoughs to quell my fears?

No Games This Time

I'm not going to pretend like I have forgotten about you again. 

I have not. 

In fact, every time I get on the computer, the little Blogger bookmark stares me in the face. It looks at me and says "come write!" 

But I don't know what to write about. I see that blinking cursor and I freeze up. Every intelligent thought goes out of my head, and I get anxious even thinking about trying to write. Nothing is good enough for this little blog of mine. 

I don't know what this blog is, or what it's meant to be. I originally wanted something to do all day when I was at home and out of work. I wanted to try and make a little extra money on the side, and make some new friends. 

Don't get me wrong, I have done these things.

But at the same time, so much has changed. 

I don't even look like my display picture here anymore. 

I don't even feel like y'all every got to know me. 

So in the dawn of a new age for this blog (and potentially a new name and layout), I'm going to let you get to know me.

Howdy, I'm Heather.

I have teal hair. For now.

I scream when I like things or people tell me things that they like that I also like. 

I work at Wegmans as a dishwasher.

I am a history major and yes, I will drag you to that boring historical place you don't want to go.

I am very random and my thoughts (and conversations) are all over the place.

I love my family.

I'm obsessed with: corgis, mason jars, iced tea, the color teal, pugs, tumbler cups, books, makeup, and stationary.

I forget things really easily.

I have a few favorite places: Ocean City, NJ; Washington, D.C.; Red Bank Battlefield Park; Philadelphia; and anywhere I can go with my boyfriend, Bill.

I love to write.

I love to make things with my hands.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I'm miserable at being an adult.

I buy too many books and spend too much time on the internet or at Target.

I turn into a giant mushball when I see any sort of dog, and they are all puppies to me.

I also enjoy taking pictures.

So there you have it. That's a look in to me. I hope to, in the coming weeks, redesign this blog and give it a new name. To breath new life into it. To not worry so much about what it is.

What you can expect next:

A little bit of everything...

Day trips.

History stuff.

Short story blips.

Makeup.

Everyday life? 

Who knows! It'll be a Pandora's box of a blog, I suppose.

Until next time, my friends...

Consistently Inconsistent.

I haven't forgotten about you, little blog, and followers. (Are there even any followers left besides my mom?) You come into my mind almost daily when I think "this would make a good blog post," or "it's been over a year now that I started blogging, I really should write a post about that." The best laid plans of mice and men, right? I always have the best of intentions to sit down and write about something—a little update, a small event I went to, something, but I always get distracted.

I think I kind of shot myself in the foot a little when I branded this blog as a DIY blog. Even when I first started writing, most of what I did was recipes (not DIY). Something that blocks me from writing, I think, is just that. This is a DIY blog. I don't feel like I can just write whatever on here. When I have more time to sit down and actually tinker with my blog, I'm probably going to rebrand as more of a lifestyle thing. Until then, an update, I suppose.

Christmas was good. I got a lot a cool presents, like a Tarte makeup set, and a set of one-of-a-kind drinking glasses that have chalkboard on them so I can write stuff on the glasses. A very meaningful gift that I got from Bill's mom was a double feature DVD with White Christmas and It's A Wonderful Life, two of my favourite Christmas movies.

College is just taking too much of my time up to do anything. As it is right now, I'm procrastinating speech homework due in class in an hour. I should really get on doing that. but for the recap part, I finished my first semester with a 4.0! How I did that, I don't even know. But I'm still proud to say I did it, and hope that I can do it again this semester.

I'm still working Wegmans, and just recently started working in the new Godiva shop that we have within us now. Tomorrow is the grand opening and my first real day in the shop. It's pretty exciting.

I've been going to the gym and made a new best friend through that gym and we're pretty much soul mates and I love her and oh my god brain twins. "Hi, I'm Mr. Meeseeks, look at me!"

Speaking of going to the gym, Bill is being a really great help and motivator. He says for every ten pounds I lose, he'll buy me one new article of clothing. A new top, a new pair of pants, new workout shoes. Whatever. And then when I hit my goal weight, he said he would restock my entire wardrobe. HOW BIG OF A MUSH IS HE?! I'm so grateful that I have the loving and supportive boyfriend that I do. He just turns me into soup, I feel so warm and fuzzy.

I think I've hit on every point... Mostly I just wanted to drop in to say hey, I miss you guys and I'm working on actually sitting down and getting my shit together and making this blog work. 2014 is my year and I won't let things fall by the wayside. That being said, it's time for class, gotta bolt!

College Life

*blows the dust off of the blog*
Well, hello all! It's been a while since I've actually had time to sit down and do a post. I had planned to do a post about depotting Bath and Body Works candles (or really, any candle, but these have the best jars), but of course, now that I want the candle to burn down a lot, it is burning so slowly! I still plan to do that post, I just have to wait until this candle gets to that point. In case anyone was wondering, the candle is "Apple Crumble." So good! I hit up BBW today to find the candle I wanted, Pumpkin Caramel Latte, but they were sold out, and only sell them online for now :(

Anyway, since I have made some college posts before, I thought I would give guys a little update on how that's going.

I won't lie, I'm a little over it.

Really late updates, woo!

Well, howdy, y'all! It's been a while. I say this every time I fall off the face of the blogging world, and I don't know why I do it. I know I've been gone, and I really do mean to post, but 10,000 other things seem to take precedence for some reason. But they're good things!

I don't plan on this being in order of importance, but rather whatever comes to mind first.

So, anyone out there have a Bath & Body Works candle that you love, but it gets down to that teeny little quarter-inch of wax left that you can no longer burn? Do you also have a wax warmer? Well then, you're in luck! I have a post coming up as soon as I burn through my next BBW candle on how to depot them so that you can use the jar for whatever you please AND still use the leftover wax for scent still. I depotted one, but forgot to take pictures, so... Better to do another one to with pictures. Unless you would like to see a video of me doing it? Comment down below and let me know what you guys are thinking!

On top of that, I recently started school. It hasn't been so bad, actually. I love my history professor. She seems pretty on par with my high school history teacher (who was the best history teacher, ever). My math professor is a lot like my high school math teacher in the way that he is really old, and he says "okay" after most things he says, just like my old math teacher did.
After my first Tuesday class, I went to talk to the professor running the school newspaper to try and join, and to make a long story short... In the matter of 30 minutes, he professed his love for me and made me the Lifestyle Editor for the paper! Good kickoff to school, don't ya think?! I'm pretty proud of that one.

Another great thing that happened, too, was that I landed a dog walking job. Oh my great golly gosh, these are some of the cutest puppies I've ever seen. Sweet, too. and the people I'm working for are so nice! My one boss reminds me of John Green, mixed with Hank a little (not a bad thing, in case you see this, Jack!) I have yet to meet his wife though. It's like she's the Yeti! And now I have officially lost everyone who isn't a nerdfighter.

Anyway, I think that's it for tonight. I'm pretty pooped and I have to be up at at 6:45 for class. I promise that my posts will be less few and far between. Perhaps the next post will be of the craft I made for me new bosses! Hope all is well you you tonight—

39 Days.

Thirty-nine days.

That's how many I have left until school starts.

I was actually really excited to go until yesterday afternoon when I was told I had to change my major to something different (Business Administration) and take a bunch of classes (Accounting and Business Law, to name a few) that I didn't want.

So, I guess I'll be sticking with Communications. I also found out that I can't do the 4 year school I want through the community college unless I switch my major to English, which I don't want to do. I was really upset all night last night and basically just cried a lot because I thought I wasn't going to get to do what I wanted to do. (Shout out to Bill for dealing with weepy, crying, wailing, me for the night! Love you, pumpkin! ;-* teehee, but srsly, thanks)

And perhaps Human Resources Management isn't for me.

Or maybe I'll get into HR with my Communications degree, who knows. Maybe I'll go into social media or something. I suppose the possibilities are endless.

All I can say is that I am restless to get this started and see if college is or isn't or me. Makes me think of this one Relient K song, "College Kids"

"someone please save us, us college kids!

what my parents told me is what i did

they said go to school and be a college kid

but in the end i question why i did

oh no! not for me, not for me

call it torture, call it university

no! arts and crafts is all i need

i'll take calligraphy and then i'll make a fake degree"

But what if it isn't for me, then what do I do? :/

The End of Passionfruit

Today's post is mostly for other bloggers out there that read my posts, but feel free to read along if you desire.

Bloggers, what are we to do?

Starting September 1st, Passionfruit is no longer free (for swaps, or anything else, for that matter).

Are you going to pay the $9 monthly fee, or are you going to use a different method for ads? Is there even anything else out there? Has anyone thought about this? Or do we go back to the archaic means of constantly adding and removing code from our pages? I honestly don't have the time for that anymore, and that's why I loved Passionfruit. These ads have brought great traffic to my blog, and I'm sure others' ads on my site have brought them traffic.

There are tons of lovely ladies and gents in the blogosphere, and I would hate for people to stop being discovered because Passionfruit wants to start charging.

Yes, the new features are nice, but for me, it's just not worth it.

Tumbleweeds Everywhere

Wow, there sure are a lot of tumbleweeds all over this blog... I have barely been here at all since my birthday. I promise you this wasn't intentional. This post has been coming for a while, so here goes.

See, when I started this little baby of a blog, I had little to do all day. I would sit at home and do nothing, save from cleaning a room here and there, and the prep and cook of dinner. I needed something else to fill my time, but books and spending lots of mind-numbing hours on the internet weren't doing anything for me anymore.

Six Months {Strong}

Bill and I have been together for six months now! Whoa, how time flies. So, for the anniversary, I made him this painting with a quote!

To start out, I wrote the words out on my canvas. I tried to use glitter glue to crest a raised effect, but that didn't work so well. 

Next, I tried tacky glue. I painted each individual stroke of every letter three times (letting each coat dry I between). 

Next, I painted over it with a white base so everything would be the same colour. 

I started to paint with the colour I mixed, which I thought was lighter than it was, but it wasn't. So I ended up painting to whole canvas that colour. 

The edges of the canvas are also painted this dark brown. 

After that, I painted over it with a slightly lighter brown. The effect is kind of cool, the darker brown showing through. I think it makes the background look rustic. 

I then went over the letters, painting each stroke again, but now with the original brown colour. 

And here's the finished product! I made it a month before our anniversary because I got so excited to make it that I couldn't wait to do it!

Bill loved it and is now looking for a place to hang it!

*tap, tap, tap* Is This Thing On?

Well, it looks like I completely forgot about the tail-end of BEDA. After all my guest posts went live, I didn't even post once.

To be fair, I have been quite a bit busy. I got a job! I start work on Saturday, and I'm also looking for a second job.

I've also been sick a lot. But I'll be okay!

I got my first car!

Uhh, I was busy with my birthday! The Saturday before my birthday, Bill got all my closest friends together to help surprise me for my special day.

And then on my actual birthday, Bill and I went to DC. Prepare for the slew of pictures to follow!

Starting off the day with Wawa breakfast!

Delaware Memorial Bridge

Where I'm from

Ugh, traffic

<3

Tunnel

That little tiny sign says "Welcome to Washington, D.C."

Constitution Hall

Dwight D. Eisenhower Building

Brunch of champions

Washington Monument from afar (it was closed)

WWII Memorial

"Here we mark the price of freedom"

#parking

Vietnam Wall

Vietnam Wall

Marine Corps forevaaaa

Lincoln Memorial

Husband and wife duckies <3

National Mall

Lincoln Memorial prototype

New hat!

Heading home :(

And that's all I've got for you today! I'll be back soon...but now off to run some errands! Beepbeep!