Today, Everything Changed

Last night, I had a dream that all my teeth got knocked out and I had to get new ones. Today, I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I'm not sure if there's any correlation there. 

I wish I had something more moving to say than that, but I am still trying to process things. All I can say now is that I feel both relief knowing that my pain has been validated (and that I have not been crazy for the past few years), and that I am also sad that I have to live with this the rest of my life. It will be a constant battle of pain and symptom management, but I am okay with that so long as I feel even 10% better. Likewise, I am glad to have the people around me that I do. 

Also, because of the increase in my pain, my depression has also been getting worse, and I know I have 100% taken out these emotions on the people closest to me. Whether those people read this or not, I want to say I am sorry. They didn't deserve that. 

Many people have asked me "What now?" Well, your guess is as good as mine. Of course, there will be medication, and I do have a plan of action for treatment. But even still, it's trial and error until we get it right. 

All that matters is that we keep trying.

{20 Before 20} Revisited

Two years ago, in April, I wrote this list, right before my 19th birthday. I'm 22 now, and life is much different. My goals have changed. But, today, I'm coming back see how many of these goals I actually completed.

I Started This Journey Ages Ago

It's graduation time again. And I'm sad about it, again.

All my friends are graduating, and I should've graduated last year.

But! December 2016, I graduate with my Associates. (I have to take six classes in order to graduate and I kind of hate myself for it.)

I honestly never thought the day would come, and it still feels awfully far away. It will be here before I know it, though. And then in the spring of 2017, I start at my four-year institution.

Not much has changed in these parts. Made some new friends, lost some friends. Some losses made me sad, and some losses made me say "thank fucking goodness."

I still struggle with writing daily, but I am done making excuses for not writing here. When I write, I write. And if I don't, so be it.

I'm still around, though.

This is fluff at best, barely worth reading, but if you read it—thank you. I missed you.

sometimes life throws you a curveball (or seven)

Disclaimer: I've been trying to write this blog post for something close to a year now. Last time I looked at it, it was maybe... March? So, I'm just going to pick up where I left off I guess.

I have a habit of being really excited about writing for this little blog of mine and then falling right out of the bloggosphere. To be fair, this time, I have a valid medical reason to not be writing. (On the same token, all I did was lay on a couch for two weeks straight, so I probably could have mustered something up in between sleeping ;) but oh well!) So let's get down to the nitty gritty. 

First things first (I'm the realest), the medical reason. I can't remember if I've ever talked about this on here, but well over a year ago in March of 2013, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst possible pain I've ever felt in my back. As soon as I could, I went to the doctor and asked her specifically (at the recommendation of B's mom, who is a nurse) if the pain I felt had to do with my gallbladder while describing the pain I felt and where I felt it. Doc said "nothing to worry about, probably a pinched nerve," and I put it out of my mind because it didn't happen again for a long time. Then, surprise!, it started happening again, albeit sporadically. For pretty much the whole month of October, there were at least one day every week where this happened, if not more, finally culminating in the "OH MY GOD MY INSIDES ARE LAVA" feeling the propelled me out of sleep at 4am screaming on the 19th. I barely made it through and made it to work but I was one wrong movement way from either being in excruciating pain or barfing. Luckily, the managers took pity on me and let me go home. I fell asleep in my car in the driveway seconds after getting home because I was so exhausted. The next day, I called out of work and had B take me to an urgent care.